Choices and Consequenses

Twenty-six and a half years ago I made a choice.  Bill had asked me to marry him and I after a few days said yes.  That wasn't the choice.  The choice came after when it became apparent that he was going to BYU (Brigham Young University) and I had scholarships to ISU (Idaho State University).  My ACT scores were not high enough at that time for me to go to BYU, so for me to transfer was not an option.  At that time, my mother, Bill's mother, my grandmother and my Aunt Millie advised that I should quit school and support Bill while he finished school.  He was the man and would be the bread winner so to speak.  It was what was done during that time.  So I did.  But I did it with a plan.  The plan was that he would finish, then I would return to  school to get my degree.  Like so many of my long term plans--Cheryl has a plan and God has a plan.  By the time Bill graduated, Rachel was born and Mandy was on the way.  So I made a new plan.  The new plan was that when the children were all in school, I would return to school and get my degree.  Yep, you guessed it.  God had another plan too.  By the time Daniel was in school, we were already taking care of Bill's parents.  Over the years my mother has said many times that she wished she had given me different advise.  Who knows if I would have made a different choice.  The world we live in now is so different from the way it was back then.  It is hard for some to see how this would even be a choice.  It is just the way things were.  So now Ethel is in a nursing home, the children are in school soooooo I can go to school?  Nope, this time the State of Missouri has a plan. 

A couple of weeks ago I recieved a letter from the FSD devision of the state.  The fact is that due to my husbands current job, we really make very little money.  In addition there isn't any insurance for the children.  With Josh being diabetic we went to the state for help.  The children are on Medicaid and we get food stamps.  For those in my family who would look down on me for this decision, I would suggest that you take a hard look inside and think what you would tell your child who is hungry, wanting dinner, and the food storage is all gone.  I believe that faced with simular situation you too would go for help.  Anyway, we knew that if we put Ethel in a nursing home, I would have to return to work.  However we thought I would get to go to school first.  The fact is that I don't mind so much going back to work.  What I mind is that I don't get to go to school. 

Today I spent two and a half hours learning how to find a job.  Apperantly I have quite a lot of skills from being a mom all these years that are what they call "Transferable Skills" in the job force.  So this weekend I have to create a resume using this skill base.  Write cover letters and apply for at least four jobs each week for the next eight weeks or until I find a job, whatever comes first.  So now I have a new plan--find a job.  Maybe going back to school will come someday.  You never know, I could be that really old person, using a walker to get around on campus.  We will see.  It will be time, when it is time. 

So how do I feel about all this?  Fact is that I am quite angry.  Angry that a choice I made twenty-six years ago keeps coming back to bite me in the butt.  Angry that I grew up in a time that didn't value education for women, and because of that the only advise I could be given was to quit school.  So I have a few things to say. 

One if the proudest days of my life was the day Becky graduated from college, followed by Sarah graduating.  The were the pioneers in our family.  The first women to finish college.  They made it!!  I am so proud of Rachel for sticking with school even though she is married and it would be easier for her not to go.  I am proud of Mandy for continuing to find and begin again her education even though injury stopped her from her first choice--she too is still in school when it would be easier for her to not be in school.  I am proud of Barbara who is just starting out in college, so far from her family.  All of these amazing women moving forward, having gotten or currently getting thier education. 

MOTHERS; you who are bringing up this generation of daughters, teach your precious girls the importance of going to college, of getting as much education as they can.  You never know when you are going to need it.  In doing so you will be protecting them from a future with little or no choices. 

Am I sorry that I married Bill?  Absolutly NOT!!  He is the very air that I breathe, and the life we have created together has been a good life.  We have loved, laughed and we have lived.  We have been challenged and conquered many things.  We will conquere this as well.  We have been blessed and continue to be blessed.  I found this quote in my email today.  How timely...how needed.

"When the winds blow and the rains pour, they blow and pour on all. Those who have built their foundations on bedrock rather than sand survive the storms. There is a way to build on bedrock by developing a deep personal conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ and knowing how to receive inspiration. We must know-and know that we know. We must stand spiritually and temporally independent of all worldly creatures. This begins by understanding that God the Father is the Father of our spirits and that He loves us, that Jesus Christ is our Redeemer and Savior, and that the Holy Ghost can communicate with our minds and our hearts. This is how we receive inspiration. We need to learn how to recognize and apply these promptings."

--Allan F. Packer, "Finding Strength in Challenging Times", Ensign, May 2009, 17-19