This was my last manditory day that I needed to search for a job. Wow, I am so glad that is done for the next year. Hopefully, I will have all of the requirements in place so I don't have to do this again next year.
As much as I disliked this entire process for the last weeks, it has been an enormous learning and growing process. So I think I will list some of them.
1. I have great worth in the eyes of others besides my family.
2. I have many marketable skills.
3. I can do math, even the dreaded--but interestingly quite fun algebra.
4. Being a Mom is a viable career, and can be put on a resume. It is also a respectable job when put properly on the resume, using big words to describe the bazillion things we do each day.
5. Listing God as your supervisor for the Mom job on your job application, gets you an interview. Be sure that you put down that they can contact your previous supervisor and that the phone number is "prayer." Apparently that shows creativity and audacity, and is something that is valued in an employee. It has also been followed up with job offers that then had to be turned down, unless they follow up with the $12 an hour I want and only 2 days a week--Sundays are NOT an option--we are waiting to see on that one.
6. I am smart.
7. Humor can keep you going when all you want to do is take a time out and cry.
8. Never underestimate the value of a long hot bath with Bath and Body works Milk and Honey bubble bath and vanilla candles. . .ahhhh!
9. When it comes to computer apps and programs, I learn extreemly quickly.
10. I have the best, most supportive family on the face of the earth. No matter if it getting dinner fixed, or help with my homework, my Bill and my children have been there with thier love and support. They have helped me after school, before bed, on the weekend or during the week, and even via web cam from far away. I am truly blessed!
On Wednesday, at lunch time, Bill picked me up from the Missouri Career Center, where I attend Adult Education Classes. When we got home, he got the mail and there in his hand was an envelope that was a golden color. The return address said it was from the admission office at Missouri Western. He handed it to me, at that moment more excited than I was for me to open it. I must admit that I was frightend to open this letter. Inside was scary no matter what it said. So I ripped it open to get it over with--you know, sort of like ripping off a band aid quickly? Then there were the words. "Congratulations. Welcome to Western." Wow, it is really happening. I am going back to school. I am filled with joy and fear all at once. It has been so long. This has been my dream for almost 3 decades, and here it is, right in front of me. All these weeks I had hoped. All these weeks I have been afraid that all of this was just a mirage, that I would have longer to wait, or perhaps I would never be able to go to school at all. Yet here it is. This is real. Wow!
90 pages of math each week
90 pages of math
work the page
turn around
89 pages of math each week
89 pages of math each week
89 pages of math
work the page
turn around
88 pages of math each week
88 pages of math . . . . .
I am slowly going crazy
1 2 3 4 5 6 switch
crazy going slowly am I
6 5 4 3 2 1 switch
The weird thing is that I am really having fun. Not a joke. I really am.
So this morning I was sitting here doing my homework--you can't believe how much home work I have--thinking about how funny it is that I have more homework than any of the children. It seems that somewhere in my brain I know how to do all of this, but I don't understand it when it is written. My instructor says it is like a child who knows how to speak a langauge but has yet learned how to read or write it. I just need to learn the reading and writing of Math. This has made it much easier and at times harder for me because if you give it to me in a story problem, I know the answer almost as before you finish the question, however written out, I struggle. Meanwhile I am trying to connect the "Math Neurons" in my brain so that it all makes sense, the reading and writing of Math . It is slow. Good news is that it is coming along. Bad news is that the Adult Education looses its funding on here on June 30th due to budget cuts so instead of the 12 instructors that are in Buchanan County, there will be just 1 for both Buchanan and Andrews county. So unless I want to travel to where the teacher is, then I have to finish before then. They tell me that I am getting about 3 years of instruction--if it was in public school--in about 6 weeks. It is sort of stressful--what if I don't get it fast enough? Probably not the best kind of thinking. So I will just push forward and soak it up just as fast as I can. Well back to my homework.......someday I will be able to knit again. I haven't knit a stitch since General Conference. Homework .........
Change is a funny thing. We get comfortable with our lives and then a small thing can cause huge shock waves in the status quo. My life for the past 5 weeks has been all about change. It is the middle of the night and yet I can't sleep for thinking how a simple drop in the pond has radiated out into massive ripples that keep moving faster and faster. I wonder where it will all lead. My mind tries to figure it all out and so I can't sleep. The doctors keep saying "write about it" so here I am throwing my thoughts out to the great web cosmos and perhaps then I will be able to sleep.
It all started with a letter, then the job search, and then my dream of going to school is right in front of me. I can almost touch it, and yet I wonder if it is now going to be my reality or if it will remain a dream. Only more time will tell. Meanwhile I continue to put in my applications. Doing everything exactly right, all the while praying with everything in me that I do NOT get the job. I am now in the last half of my job search journey. Five of the eight weeks are finished. I am told that when they are finished, the state will leave me alone for 1 year. If I get a job, I can't go to school. It is that simple. It was alright when I was just filling out applications, but now I have started getting job interviews. It is scary. My own honor will not allow me to mess up on an interview. My own honor will probably get me a job, and yet I can't do this any other way. How can I teach my children about honor, if I have none? So I am dressed right and do my best as always. Last Monday I was offered a job. A good job. The only downside is that I would have to work most Sundays. I walked away. It feels like the right thing to do. I made it a matter of prayer, again, how can I teach my children to keep the Sabbath Day if I do not. I find myself thankful that I only have to log and report the interview and not the results. I am also thankful that Missouri has a law about jobs and religion. I don't know much about it, but I don't have to take a job that is contrary to my religion. Working on Sundays is not for me.
About the same time as I got the letter, I decided that it was time to take a look at who I am. When I look in the mirror I like who I am. However I don't like how I look. So I am working on remaking me. I joined Weight Watchers. So far I am doing pretty good. I am pleased that it is so easy to follow and that it is about lifestyle changes and choices and not a diet. One of the side benefits is the walking challenge that started a couple of weeks ago. The challenge is to walk a 5K walk before the end of June. When I first heard of it, I felt that I couldn't do that. But as I began to read more about it I found a training schedule that took a total couch potato to be able to do the 5K in 6 weeks. The only hitch is that I needed a walking buddy. Bill said he thought he could do it with me. It is nice to walk, hand in hand, just Bill and I each day. We haven't done anything like this since we were first married. This is a good thing. My greatest challenge so far is tracking. I have taken the attitude that if I bite it, I must write it. (I don't think big toes count Uncle Mike--but if you give me the point value, I will count it) So far I start out the week really good in writing everything down. Then along about Tuesday I lag behind and well that is all she wrote--literally. My week starts on Friday, but by Tuesday life seems to be so busy, I just forget. Still I continue to persue this and hopefully I will be able to make it into a habit. I know I can do this.
A friend suggested that I look into Adult Education for brush up courses in areas that I need them, especially Math. So I go for 8 hours each week and they give me about 15 hours of homework. They tell me I am learning fast. I don't feel that way though. I come home, my head pounding like then entire drumline is practicing inside, and wonder if I will ever get it. Good news--I do understand why there needs to be an x now. It makes sense.
I see my children work on thier homework--working with math that is far beyond where I am right now. They are so smart. I wonder if I can even do this. My brain hurts. I can do many things, but this makes my brain hurt. I feel slow, like trying to forge a stream that is filled with thick gloppy mud. I wonder if it might not be better that I get a job. Our family could really use the money.
Change is a scary word. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. Change is what we all must do.
